sweet freedom
29 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in all that glitters..., stephen, symphony of agony
So I’m having a two week vacation and it’s been lovely… just lovely. I am sleeping in like it’s nobody’s business, I’m having a cold beer on the terrace in Fake Plastic Trees Park while composing songs, I’m terrorizing the employees at the Modern Rock HQ, and there’s always sweet people to hang out with in London, so I’m never bored.
There’s just some recordings. And after Friday, even that is done. I think I might go and play the groupie for Stephen for a couple or days or something.
This is just what I needed!
you and your heavy heart
01 May 2011 1 Comment
Nobody reads these words, so I can be frank here. I’m a mess of tension, exultation, and a soul-crushing guilt that is driving me up the walls. For who do I feel guilty? I’m not even sure yet.
My daughter asked me the other day why I am not touring with her father. I gave her the usual excuse of tourschedules that are not matching, about differences in ambition and genre… but you know that’s just utter bullshit. When you love each other, TRULY love each other… then you want to be with one another no matter what. You’d argue, fight and beg to change the world so you could be together.
We’re not making that offer. Stephen’s band is refusing to keep up with the ambitious pace that Symphony of Agony is running at – and I understand. I fucking understand, because I’m refusing to slow down my pace to accomodate them. And so we will be planning yet another world tour away from each other.
I haven’t properly spent time with him since early Year 53. The rest was stolen hours in hotel rooms when we happened to cross one another’s path, about once or twice a year. We’re halfway Year 55 now – and we’re looking at tour bookings till the end of Year 57. Four years is a very long time to be away from the person that’s supposed to have your heart.
And yet we’re not fighting it. We’re accepting this, because we’re sacrificing everything on the altar of fucking ambition. Our time with our children, our friends, but most of all our own hearts. I’m not quite sure how it is for him, but this is what it feels like for me. And every time Symphony of Agony plays A World Between Us on stage I feel like vomiting or crying, or both. Yet I do not falter. I keep playing, because I wrote the song to have a hit at this very Festival. It’s going to be our encore song. It would be funny if it wasn’t so fucking ironic.
I’m going to offer my heart on a platter to the party people on the Festival Grounds of Sao Paulo. A Symphony of Agony, indeed.
And it’s probably not even going to be enough to win the damn thing.
Despite that, I’m still doing it willingly.
It hurts – and I deserve all of it.
my seasick heart
14 Apr 2011 Leave a Comment
A few hours in a London hotel with you… it’s not long enough. It’s never long enough.
I’m a horrible person that I sacrifice everything on the altar of ambition, including my own heart. And yours. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.
Surfacing
No regrets
No second chance
Nothing will hold me back
Damn you Belgrade.
Damn you, career.
This better be worth it…
merlion park at 5 am
26 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in all that glitters..., stephen, symphony of agony
My bandmates and tourmates are all asleep. It is nearly five am. My belly is full of tequila while I swerve over the Singaporean pavement, blinking at the city lights.
We have a show in the afternoon. I should be asleep, but I was not in the mood to stare holes in the ceiling. So I’m walking. Or rather… stumbling, swerving. My PA is trudging after me, sullen with sleep deprivation and probably hating me as much as she hates her job.
Fucking jetlag.
I am homesick, but I don’t know where home is…
endings, beginnings, plans
16 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
My first tour with Symphony of Agony will end in about an hour. We took the world by storm, the three of us.
And when our next tour starts in a couple of days in Melbourne, we’ll join up with Doomsday Clock and Epic Death. *grins* Doom, death and agony… sounds very optimistic, doesn’t it? It’s a good thing that Precious tours with us as well, otherwise it might have become too gloomy. But don’t let the name fool you, I expect much rocking and drunken debauchery anyway 
In the meantime though, I’ll have a couple of well deserved days off in which I plan to get smashed on booze, watch my daughter and my step sister/best friend get married (not to each other, mind you!), and I think I’ll go look up Steph in London for a quick shag.
But first we need to rock the hell out of Antalya.
