It’s just… it’s just like a punch in the gut, you know? I’ve lost so many people over the years that were dear to me. I’d just gotten back on my feet after losing Isa and Precious. The scars on my heart are still very fresh and they still ache when I think of all the beautiful, wonderful people I’ve lost over the years. Not just these two… but also Anna… Lya… Forest, Daniel, Laura… countless of people that I still miss every bloody single day.
I was just getting back on my feet, goddammit. And then this happens. Three people with that vacant look in their eyes. And not just some people. Not acquaintances that have brightened up my life.
Maritza, who is my bandmate, my friend. The one who offered me a chance of salvation while behind me the ship that was Rebel Justice was still burning. She and I were born on the same day, we’re both from Los Angeles, we’re both Modern Rock bassists. I suppose the fiercest differences between us is that she’s monogamous and she speaks Spanish fluently. For the rest, she might as well be my sister. My sister, my bandmate. My friend. My lover, if she’d let me.
Walter, who is like the brother I never had. Who gave me monkey slippers when June was born. Who was the one person responsible for me picking up a frigging bass guitar in the first place. Whose drum solos are still inspiring me to this day. Whose outlook on life has made mine so much sunnier. Who always managed to make me laugh, even when things seemed at their darkest. I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for him. There aren’t even any words. Losing him is like losing Isa. Losing my adolescence, losing the last part of the 10 dB’s – which is what shaped me, what made me a musician. He’s one of the few people that still remembers me as Sweetling, dammit. He still calls me Sweetling, too. And he still gives me monkey slippers when he sees me. At least, when he recognises me. June told me she went to visit him the other day, but he hardly recognized her. She was heartbroken. Walter is like an uncle to her. He’s one of the main reasons she plays drums these days. It’s just so unfair.
And Jean. Oh, Jean. I never thought this would be such a punch to the gut. You’re such a bright and blessed free spirit. I feel lucky to know you, to have been in a band with you. You’ve pushed me to become a better musician than I am. One of the three major musical influences in my life, next to Walter and Stephen, I suppose. Definitely one of the main MALE influences in my life. I mean, shit, he gave me Reece. And despite the hell I went through, I don’t regret anything. If there’s anyone else, next to Steph (or Walter) whose child I would have gladly carried- it’s Jean’s. Knowing and hanging out and getting drunk and making music and playing poker with Jean is a life experience that everyone should have. And I don’t know what to say about it, but this is a profound ache I had not imagined to feel. I always knew he’d leave me… us… some day. It was never me and him like it was me and Steph. But there was something, and it was something so different. I was devastated over losing Isa- but this is a completely different kind of pain.
They could still wake up. For the love of Kobe, please wake up.
I’m not sure I can go through this again, dammit.